The voice #1
Although, there is a voice within me which keeps saying things, it awakens after I sleep, It is not bounded in anyway so to speak unlike my conscious self, which my conscience blames on the situation, the circumstance and the place I’m in. But, that inner voice, it is real, it’s not fake nor does it know how to. It is as true as it can be and it knows the truth.
The truth, a mere realization of a universe emphasized within me and, a black hole making this life non-existent.
However, it also knows that the black hole was created because of his own doings, his lack of awareness, his quality of thinking of himself above everyone, his lack of thought led to all this.
This has resulted in an absolute emptiness within him. A feeling of being hollow, just empty, it was like his MIND was silent.
His initial response to this was denial, guilt, regret, self-loathe, thoughts influenced of negativity.
He could not be happy as he was not content and vice-versa.
He used to think all the time of what could be the reason for this. He would introspect and retrospect …, He indulged in self-contemplation.
Once was this man who was so full of life and celebration. Now, is the same man of gloom and melancholy, why?
He started thinking through it, is slowly when he realized.
His conscious conscience was not ready to accept its very own arrogance. It denied of its existence purely owing to his standard of thought which made him assume he was above everything.
This quality alone made him abstain from getting socially involved with his peers, whom he never treated as equals.
This social abstinence lead to loneliness, which made him turn towards external elemental entities for pleasure and comfort, which was absolutely unusual to the fact that earlier, he used to look within for all this.
This made him repeat some mistakes which, he already had regret for. Which, he swore to himself that he would never get indulged again. And, he broke his promise by giving in to materialistic & momentary pleasure.
This led him again to spiral down the loop of regret, guilt and all the other negative things.
This led to implosion of thought. Thus, creating the black hole…
So the emptiness he felt.
He felt an immediate and an intense need to recuperate from it.
But, no matter how much he tried…there was his black hole, sucking it all right through.
Then, he turned to his inner-voice, the inner-self and the inner sense of his existence which could not be touched by anything shallow and superficial. It lies in a place where even it’s real hard for one’s sub-conscious conscience to look up to. But, sadly, the inner voice, the voice with all the answers, was long gone.
That was the moment he embraced upon the truth, surrounded by true silence, to hear himself. He could see all the things he’s done in the past, He could hear them crystal clear.
But, behind this entire disturbance, the confusion, the chaos and away from all the distortions was the pure space of existence filled with light which he rarely could observe these days.
May be this was one little reason why he is not losing it, why he is sensible, why he still believes in himself.
He could not sleep in the nights for the dreams he had of becoming something. something which even he does not know. How could he know for he gave himself in to this societal restriction and circumstantial, situational barriers, which he thought were real even though he knows they are not, purely because of his unwillingness to bring about a change in the dull existence where no one is happy. Since, he has always regarded himself as a man of despair. And, for a long time he never even bothered to question it. Also, there were some moments where he held a sense of pride/happiness for possessing this quality of his.
He used to crave for pain, could this be the reason why he followed a path of happenings which led to the creation of a black hole??
May be because, pain is one such emotion that reminded him he was alive. But, the question always hung out, why had the other emotions died out? Or should I say, why had he let them off the hook from affecting him?
The Voice #2
He is tired and all sleepy but, there is something that did not let him sleep at all. May be there is a reason he calls himself the man of despair. There is not one thing that does not affect him, everything does, deeply, and somewhere in the sub-conscious they leave a permanent mark.
He has tried to live a normal life and brought upon himself the distractions that a general public in a society usually do, well, at least he tried.
As a last resort to not be so different from everyone, he also tried hard to give in to his family’s expectations. Sadly, he could not. The more he tried to blow out this spark in him, the brighter it became and so did the inner voice’s tone.
He’s always been aware of the evil in him. He subdued it and buried it deep within. So deep, that even he could not find it, not that he ever wanted to.
For a second, there are thoughts on his mind that are ineffable, and the next moment his mind goes blank.
He becomes ‘I’ when the mind goes blank.
